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16 January 2006 @ 02:07 pm
 
an open letter to the good people at dap, inc:

yesterday, i went to target, and purchased a tube of your DAP DryDex Spackling compound. i purchased this tube of pink spackle, based upon the tube's proclamation that it goes on pink and turns white!, and comes in an easy-to-use squeeze tube with unique pop-top design.

first off, let's tackle the tube. the instructions exhorted me to gently squeeze the tube to pop the top. sadly, gentle squeezing did not render the desired results, and as a matter of fact, it took my entire bodily weight leaning on the tube to pop the top (a job not helped by the circling of my three cats who were apparently convinced that it was a tube of tuna paste... if there's fish oil in there, i would ask that you re-consider the formula of your product). the entire grunting affair, struggling with all my might to get the inverted dispenser out was reminiscent of the infamous goatse man.

but i prevailed, and was able to start squeezing out your product onto the handy dandy applicator wedge that was provided. and, as advertised, the product did indeed go on pink, and then change to white... on my hands. the product immediately dried onto my fingers, making it look as if i'd been busily fisting the poppin' fresh dough man. however, this affect was relieved by some industrious scrubbing, which have left my fingers once again pink, albeit in a more organic fashion.

unfortunately, after a night of drying, the areas where the product was applied in our bedroom are not only still pink, it looks as if some stranger came in and ejaculated hubba-bubba gum at the wall at high velocity.

i must, therefore, sadly say that i will not be using any more of your products again, now that my boudoir looks like the scene of some horrid bubble-gum-bukkake.

yours truly,

andrew cone.